Hacking and My Acting Emotional Economy

Site Updates: Changed Main banner & Added this 16x16 pixel Favicon ->
Always wanted to do one, this is the tiniest graphic I have ever made and it actually took some time, I wanted to make it from scratch seeing that it is 256 pixels in total but my guesses on optimum shades of grey at that size is not great and it was easier to let Photoshop do the work. I'm quite happy with it, check it out in your tab too!

Blog Entry:
Before I mentioned that I've been finding my feet on how to function in Sydney again, and now that I have it's time to face it... it looks Grim here. Hence the new Banner, I'm fighting certain emotions, fears and comforts here in Sydney, also it was foggy that morning and I woke up at 6am. I made the banner at 11pm last night after waking up at 5am for promo work that day, was so deteriorated that I ...

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even spelt demon wrong. Speaking of work, I haven't done much in acting, since coming back I been to about 3 auditions, I have applied for many, the only 2 that knocked back where assignment films by Asian international students. They were both very impressed with my auditions, however one never got back to me despite telling me I was the best they seen that day and the other confirmed me with an unimpressive and confusing email in broken english about the story, thinking it wasn't too important to figure out what was going on yet, and that I have been confirmed already, I left it for a few days before I asked them to call me and explain it over the phone only to find out that they went with someone else, I was so ticked off I didn't bother replying and telling them about communication. Neither of these gigs were paid but I was prepared to do them if they at least put more effort into communicating with me, looking back at this I do feel a bit hypocritical on the whole racial tolerance in production thing which happens to be the bulk of what this blog is about while I'm in Sydney, another Demon to face. Anyway, the other was a professional tv series from my agent was for a speaking Asian gangster role mostly off screen, I didn't get it, probably too young to be a mob boss but really another Gangsta role!? I just want to be treated like a human being in acting, it's clearly too much to ask for being an Asian face here. 

Where there is money coming... I've become a Promo mercenary, joining various gigs and representing various brands, juggling the jobs throughout the week and weekends without too much clashings and avoid upsetting the co-ordinators. Even though I do enjoy it, it is not my calling and is leaving me rather exhausted while stagnant in my career.  When I am hot on the job handing out samples and people are taking them, I feel like I am performing, announcing the free giveaway like a game show host/voice or celebrity endorsement which is of course the kind of ambassador every brand would want. However more often than not, like yesterday in the rain, our team was split into individuals with umbrellas to cover more ground, when this happens and we are alone and no one is taking any samples it feels terrible, like abandoned puppy on the streets with pedestrian traffic terrible (okay maybe not that bad). When something like this happens I can't help to wonder what am I doing here? what am I doing with my life? I have a degree, I have experience, I think outside the box, I can move mountains and change worlds (in visually graphical terms of course). Don't get me wrong I am very fortunate to be part of promotional teams at my age perhaps thanks to my youthful looks, energy and behavior but it does get to you. I have to constantly remind myself that I am doing it because I prefer the job over the endless retail grinds and deadend desk jobs or even desktop publishing, it's for the money and above all because I am an effective promotional performer if I can make it a performance.

Pyrmontian Sunrise at 6:40am

Promo Work does make you wake up at ridiculously early times encouraging normal sleep and taking you to exotic locations, for exploring the Sydney you overlooked, analysing people of different suburbs,  and beautiful photos. 

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I noticed one of my traits which I found explained in some online personality test is that I need the flexibility or some form of freedom. I cannot let any everyday-standard-work-job commitment jeopardize that, it is the top priority to me and this is the price of freedom. Now why would it matter to me so much when it does not seem to be an issue with the standard working class Joe? I have tried to figure this out for some time and I always believed it to be in order to make myself available to any casting or production call at the drop of a hat, now it has evolved a bit to involve the ability to travel and not disappoint anyone when I disengage work commitments. What a selfish life, but I want to believe Mine is one that is sacrificed to inspire and give entertainment in return. There were of course times when we were tied down, like up until end of high school, from then onwards the grip of being occupied 5 days a week got weaker and weaker, in university you could only have 3 days or less. I find it odd that the general world expects us to go back to "full-time" commitments for someone else this time, after tasting freedom. I suppose people are afraid of freedom and or the future without perceptually sufficient prepared savings and the social status.

I am afraid of these things too, but I face them either blindly or indifferently. I have also accepted the fact that I will not get married or have children/settle down in any foreseeable future (I have pretty poor foresight btw) and this affirmation comes from talking with "Certain" people and through analysis of my current life style.
Note: "certain" is used as a pun for particular people as well as ones who are Certain about their marital status/progress. Myself as an actor I do want to do things properly, almost to the fairy-tale ideals of properly, and being a good family guy/father is not possible yet unless I'm like Will Smith and even then we don't really know if he really is that great a father, selling out his kids is kinda... it gets a bit grey and subjective. 

Before I left Singapore in mid April, I mentioned that I wanted to come back, save some money and take my parents travelling as a way of thanking them for raising me before I leave the nest. Well, they just came back from a 2 week holiday in Hong Kong with my brother at the helm, I guess you can say he beat me to it, and I came back just in time to feed the dogs while they were gone. Hearing them talk about the cost of it all I think it may be a gift to them I best to put on hold, with my brother probably close to getting married again, I want to rest assured that he will play the good son as he always has, providing for my retired parents grandchildren and settling down etc. I have always been the juvenile looking for something else and logic dictates that this is the perfect setup for me in pursuit of my career, right now I'm not satisfied with my acting and production side but I make enough money with promo work to fend for myself, have some fun and save up for the next move in this career... an acceptable start. I'm handing out Mouthwash tomorrow. 

Anyway, there has been a lot of Angst latelty in my blog, a common subject matter that plagues many personal blog and THAT is unacceptable here, I will steer things into more fruitful directions soon, but these are reflected discoveries in dire times that I have to record for the journey. But to end this entry on a better tone, here is a Video I shot earlier this week, a self-shot clip via correspondence for film for the first time. It was a Hacker type film I came across on Starnow with a low budget but they did pay me. I set it up in my room with somewhat moody lighting from my desk lamp, laptop screen and a 14.5 inch 4:3 monitor I found in a alleyway in town. It's an unlisted secret video because the film is not past post, but I figured I can let you lovely readers peek.