Sorry, What does Sorry actually mean?

This actually came up last august when I did not renew my domain... it does not even say sorry.

I am still sick with TSW, I have improved much over the year but the flare ups still come and go once every 2 weeks or so, even though it is a lot less severe it still does impede my reliability and confidence in performing. HOWEVER, the lack of updates I think would stem more from distractions, I have become distant to one person in particular which now gives me time to think about a certain element I now acknowledge that I struggle in feeling...Sorry.

Sorry I was distracted, but I have now returned, meditate and act on this I will.

How do I even fathom an apology for my dear blog for after a year of no love and update from me? 

Easy, by actually writing an entry, while trying to explain Sorry itself which can be a powerful tool in acting and reacting internally. 
(follow the jump, it's not to late to apologise) 

I contemplated recently after a relationship shake up and break down that saying sorry is a bit of an over abused thing and people actually take advantage of the word and may or may not subconsciously believe they can get away with doing terrible things, or maybe I am just wrong and the expression exists for those sole reasons. A powerful word in communication is Sorry, personally I don't use sorry much in my day to day vocabulary because it does imply you have done something wrong. I also want to take action and do more than just utter sorry to remedy the situation if I can. I am guilty of trying to explain myself and my mistakes rather than just say sorry because I never want to be seen as weak and at a fault but this more often than not just clashes with people and just ends up sounding like excuses which may be an even worse fault. Finally I believe it cheapens the word if it is overused, making you a less reliable person who just says sorry all the time. I need to consider that it takes strength to say sorry.

Sometimes it is much easier to say sorry, like if I spilled a drink in a restaurant, I can easily say I am sorry because I know they are expected to clean it up and it happens often, this is not the kind of sorry I'm talking about here, or the jesting kind of sorry about the lack of ice cream for desert. I argued with my mother today over something trivial and I realised that it was hard to apologise even for a simple misunderstanding which I knew I must do even if it was just out of respect. I will try to explain why it was so difficult, perhaps it is in the Asian culture and upbringing that I see being forgiven is a gift and must be repaid in kind or must be earned, otherwise it is expected that the burden of guilt is to be carried for longer. To say sorry also means to admit a fault and usually as an Asian kid we are brought up with a beat down of some sort if we do something wrong, this makes us feel sorry by physical pain, sometimes parents would just ignore or go on to scold the child to tears, this causes some sort of mental burden and generally we are not given the chance to say sorry and also kinda don't have to say it because both parties feel sorry. 

But what does this do to my understanding of the very important expression "sorry"? well, I am less reciprocal of it, and to not be a hypocrite, I do not throw it around, especially when it's value is high. Recently a friend whom I had a close relationship to has stopped meeting up with me. Our building of a relationship has suddenly come to a halt and she would flake and tip toe around the reasons or give no explanation to why our appointments are put aside and just simply say sorry, offering no remedy or closure for my built up expectations. I spent a few months of what felt like trying to get blood out of a stone, even though I know for a fact that all this sorry is a cover up for some sort for lies or more hurtful truths, she eventually spilled a good amount of the blood because of my persistence, but still "sorry" just did not make me feel better, I wanted more... so what really will me feel better? 


The answer I thought might lie in the matter of respect and the truth would set us free however, sorry in this case is used in away I never comprehended, she used sorry to hide things because she really cared and did not want to complicate things (she didn't say that). 
I have been blind to this because I'd rather not use a simple sorry, instead I'd weave complex excuses, I am guilty of trying to explain myself and my mistakes rather than just say sorry and I never saw the fault to it till now. Maybe there is a reason why in certain religions people can sin and just apologize, it is encouraged because it allows us to be free, free from the pain with less pain. (don't take me to church unless you have a Hozier thing going on)

I have to comprehend that saying sorry is and should be a painful thing in it's own right and so is receiving a simple sorry and sometimes I guess we have to just accept a "sorry" as it is enough, "sorry it did not work out", because further pursuits would just end in sorry. Therefore sorry itself is pain no matter how you look at it, it actually does come at a cost to say and your bodily resources to make up for it are better spent internally. 

Acting is reacting and as I put my perspectives of saying sorry, feeling sorry and receiving a sorry in order... I give my deepest sorry to this blog and know that there I have extended my range in "sorry" and I can put it to play out there from this day forth. 

J.


Next time... back logs on: 
Parental Holiday
Challenge letter
this one time surf camp
Kayaking
TF
heart strings pulled, Dad in hospital

Photo from 2 weeks ago shot by Maria. I am presentable sometimes again!